1
00:00:12,010 --> 00:00:15,690
Tonight, I wear a hat...

2
00:00:15,730 --> 00:00:18,770
Richard wears a hat...

3
00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:21,650
and James wears a hat.

4
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:33,370
Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome.

5
00:00:33,410 --> 00:00:36,050
Welcome. Thank you so much.

6
00:00:36,090 --> 00:00:37,130
Now...

7
00:00:38,370 --> 00:00:42,290
Now, we start tonight with a letter.

8
00:00:42,330 --> 00:00:47,210
It's from a chap called
Alan Massive Liar and it says,

9
00:00:47,250 --> 00:00:49,690
"Dear Jez, Dick and Jim,

10
00:00:49,730 --> 00:00:51,890
"I want a convertible supercar,

11
00:00:51,930 --> 00:00:56,730
"but I only have £113,500 to spend.

12
00:00:56,850 --> 00:00:58,210
"Can you help?"

13
00:00:58,250 --> 00:01:00,370
This is very timely, actually,

14
00:01:00,410 --> 00:01:04,290
because as it happens,
no, we can't.

15
00:01:09,050 --> 00:01:12,690
This is the new Audi R8 V10 Spyder,

16
00:01:12,730 --> 00:01:17,690
which in this spec, costs £113,500.

17
00:01:21,210 --> 00:01:24,810
And this is the new Porsche 911
Turbo convertible,

18
00:01:24,850 --> 00:01:30,530
which, to all intents and purposes,
costs £113,500.

19
00:01:32,170 --> 00:01:35,370
If it's speed you're after, the Audi
looks like the better bet

20
00:01:35,410 --> 00:01:39,370
because it is
much, much more powerful.

21
00:01:39,410 --> 00:01:42,490
But because the Porsche
is so much lighter,

22
00:01:42,530 --> 00:01:47,770
they both produce exactly
306 brake horsepower per tonne.

23
00:01:47,810 --> 00:01:52,010
If they were supermarkets,
you'd do them for price fixing.

24
00:01:53,290 --> 00:01:54,890
There's more, too.

25
00:01:54,930 --> 00:01:58,370
They're both German,
they're both four-wheel drive,

26
00:01:58,410 --> 00:02:02,850
and they both have hoods made from
cloth rather than metal.

27
00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:06,850
So let's see if they can be split
in a drag race.

28
00:02:08,130 --> 00:02:10,090
Right, some numbers.

29
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:16,650
I have a Lamborghini 5.2 litre V10,
and I'm up against.

30
00:02:16,690 --> 00:02:19,130
Porsche's brand-new 3.8 litre,

31
00:02:19,170 --> 00:02:23,730
twin turbocharged,
direct-injected flat six.

32
00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:26,970
This should be interesting.

33
00:02:27,010 --> 00:02:29,210
Three, two, one!

34
00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:30,250
Go!

35
00:02:32,370 --> 00:02:35,250
And indeed, it is interesting.

36
00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:39,490
Ironman's heavy weight iron car

37
00:02:39,530 --> 00:02:44,810
is losing to the lightweight
one with the iron lung.

38
00:02:47,050 --> 00:02:51,810
But now let's see what happens if we
swap drivers and do the race again.

39
00:02:51,850 --> 00:02:53,770
Go!

40
00:02:56,290 --> 00:02:58,250
Oh no!

41
00:02:58,290 --> 00:03:01,810
'Embarrassingly, this time round,
the Audi was victorious.'

42
00:03:05,170 --> 00:03:07,370
The reason that happened is simple.

43
00:03:07,410 --> 00:03:12,690
Four-wheel-drive cars like these are notoriously
difficult to get off the line quickly.

44
00:03:12,730 --> 00:03:14,730
If you do it well,
you're going to win.

45
00:03:14,770 --> 00:03:16,930
If you do it badly,
you're going to lose.

46
00:03:16,970 --> 00:03:20,370
So really, in short race like that,
it's all down to the driver.

47
00:03:20,410 --> 00:03:24,490
The cars, predictably,
almost exactly the same.

48
00:03:28,010 --> 00:03:31,570
They both do 0-60
in around four seconds.

49
00:03:33,770 --> 00:03:38,890
And flat out, they can both
crack 190 miles an hour.

50
00:03:40,410 --> 00:03:43,810
So in a straight line, there's
nothing to choose between them.

51
00:03:43,850 --> 00:03:45,490
But what about in the corners?

52
00:03:51,730 --> 00:03:56,890
Well, it's the same story here because
they both have the same problem.

53
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:03,330
You see, a normal car
like this is strong,

54
00:04:03,370 --> 00:04:05,930
because the two ends
are connected together

55
00:04:05,970 --> 00:04:09,410
by a roof and a floor -
two pieces of metal.

56
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:11,570
If you take the roof away,

57
00:04:11,610 --> 00:04:14,090
you end up with
a big heavy engine here,

58
00:04:14,130 --> 00:04:19,010
connected to the steering and
suspension gubbins there by just the floor.

59
00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:22,970
It's like having two bricks
joined together by a playing card -

60
00:04:23,010 --> 00:04:24,610
it's going to be all wobbly.

61
00:04:29,450 --> 00:04:31,050
To get round the problem,

62
00:04:31,090 --> 00:04:35,090
Audi has fitted the Spyder
with lots of strengthening beams.

63
00:04:37,970 --> 00:04:43,050
Now that sounds fine, but it's
added 100 kilograms to the weight.

64
00:04:44,490 --> 00:04:48,130
Porsche meanwhile offers
the turbo with active engine mounts,

65
00:04:48,170 --> 00:04:50,810
which make the engine part of
the car's backbone.

66
00:04:50,850 --> 00:04:54,090
It sounds intriguing,
but has it worked?

67
00:04:54,130 --> 00:04:55,930
In a word, yes.

68
00:05:00,090 --> 00:05:06,170
This is a million times better than
the old 911 turbo convertible.

69
00:05:07,930 --> 00:05:10,930
Mind you, that isn't saying much,

70
00:05:10,970 --> 00:05:14,210
because other things that are a
million times nicer than the old car

71
00:05:14,250 --> 00:05:16,850
include tuberculosis.

72
00:05:18,170 --> 00:05:20,850
And being on fire. Stuff like that.

73
00:05:23,130 --> 00:05:26,570
However, even though it is
a big improvement,

74
00:05:26,610 --> 00:05:30,970
it is heavier than the coupe
and despite everything...

75
00:05:32,450 --> 00:05:34,450
...it's still not as rigid.

76
00:05:34,490 --> 00:05:38,770
And just knowing that,
it sort of spoils everything.

77
00:05:39,970 --> 00:05:42,050
So what about the Audi?

78
00:05:47,290 --> 00:05:50,290
The hard-top R8 V10 was one of

79
00:05:50,330 --> 00:05:53,290
the best cars I drove last year.

80
00:05:54,610 --> 00:05:58,450
And actually, in one important
respect, this is even better.

81
00:05:58,490 --> 00:05:59,490
That noise.

82
00:06:01,370 --> 00:06:05,090
With no roof, you can hear it
even more clearly.

83
00:06:12,890 --> 00:06:16,690
The only sound I can think of which
is better than that

84
00:06:16,730 --> 00:06:21,210
is the sound of Peter Mandelson
being attacked by bears.

85
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:25,850
With that noise going on,

86
00:06:25,890 --> 00:06:30,330
it's very hard to detect the shimmying and
you really don't notice the extra weight.

87
00:06:35,130 --> 00:06:38,770
Really, it's like driving
a car that has chlamydia -

88
00:06:38,810 --> 00:06:42,090
there are no symptoms
but you know it's there

89
00:06:42,130 --> 00:06:46,050
and that sort of...
spoils the relationship a bit.

90
00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:51,050
On the track then, both are good,

91
00:06:51,090 --> 00:06:54,370
but you get the sense that
neither is as good as it could be.

92
00:06:54,410 --> 00:06:59,770
So what about practical stuff, such as
what big speed convertibles like these

93
00:06:59,810 --> 00:07:01,970
can do if you have big hair?

94
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:07,690
Now, ideally to demonstrate this,
we need James May

95
00:07:07,730 --> 00:07:09,210
but sadly he's busy today,

96
00:07:09,250 --> 00:07:12,530
building a nuclear submarine
out of Lego probably.

97
00:07:12,570 --> 00:07:16,650
So instead we've got someone who
looks just like him...

98
00:07:16,690 --> 00:07:20,130
except for in every single detail.

99
00:07:21,170 --> 00:07:23,130
This is Lauren.

100
00:07:23,170 --> 00:07:25,290
She's spent all morning
having her hair done,

101
00:07:25,330 --> 00:07:29,090
and now we're going to see how it's
affected by driving the Audi.

102
00:07:29,130 --> 00:07:33,050
Was it, er, an expensive haircut?
Yeah.

103
00:07:37,570 --> 00:07:42,610
This is probably how you imagine things
will be if you have a convertible supercar.

104
00:07:42,650 --> 00:07:46,290
The smell of the scenery,
Groove Armada in the stereo,

105
00:07:46,330 --> 00:07:49,010
and a James May body double
by your side.

106
00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:54,850
But the whole point of this car is
speed and that changes everything.

107
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140.

108
00:08:11,610 --> 00:08:13,570
In just two minutes,

109
00:08:13,610 --> 00:08:18,570
I've turned Lauren into
a pop star from the 1980s.

110
00:08:18,610 --> 00:08:22,610
The Audi, then -
not a good hairstylist.

111
00:08:24,490 --> 00:08:29,290
Sadly, our attempts to see if the
Porsche was any better ended prematurely.

112
00:08:30,490 --> 00:08:34,650
My eye! Let me...
No listen, a bee went in it.

113
00:08:34,690 --> 00:08:37,570
No, the thing in my nose has a face!

114
00:08:39,650 --> 00:08:40,650
So there we are.

115
00:08:40,690 --> 00:08:44,410
Set off for a weekend away with
your wife in either of these cars

116
00:08:44,450 --> 00:08:48,450
and you'll arrive blind and with
Bonnie Tyler in the passenger seat.

117
00:08:48,490 --> 00:08:52,130
Naming a winner, then,
between these two cars

118
00:08:52,170 --> 00:08:54,570
is not that easy because, frankly,

119
00:08:54,610 --> 00:08:56,290
they both lose.

120
00:08:56,330 --> 00:08:58,330
♪ Nothing I can say

121
00:08:58,370 --> 00:09:02,330
♪ A total eclipse of the heart. ♪

122
00:09:06,930 --> 00:09:10,210
Bonnie Tyler? I don't get it.

123
00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:13,610
So... I don't understand.

124
00:09:13,650 --> 00:09:16,250
So what you're saying is
they both lose.

125
00:09:16,290 --> 00:09:20,010
They both lose, yes, because the R8,
the hardtop and the 911 hardtop,

126
00:09:20,050 --> 00:09:21,850
they're like poached halibut.

127
00:09:21,890 --> 00:09:24,490
Halibut? Halibut.

128
00:09:24,530 --> 00:09:28,570
Now, if you put HP sauce on delicious
poached halibut, you're going to ruin it.

129
00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:31,570
If you put HP sauce on
a bacon sandwich,

130
00:09:31,610 --> 00:09:33,250
you're going to make it better.

131
00:09:33,290 --> 00:09:36,570
You are quite odd. You know that,
don't you? It does make sense.

132
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:39,730
Yeah, I think I know sort
of what you're getting at.

133
00:09:39,770 --> 00:09:44,290
If you take the roof off an ordinary car like
a Peugeot or a BMW 1 Series or something,

134
00:09:44,330 --> 00:09:48,530
no harm done and if anything, you make it
a bit better cos it's a bit of drama.Quite.

135
00:09:48,570 --> 00:09:53,210
But with serious performance cars... Halibut.
Whatever.Yeah... It's a different story.

136
00:09:53,290 --> 00:09:58,170
There are good reasons why there's
never been a Eurofighter Typhoon Cabriolet.

137
00:09:58,210 --> 00:10:01,370
Precisely. And having
cleared that up,

138
00:10:01,410 --> 00:10:04,290
we must now find how fast these cars
go round our track

139
00:10:04,330 --> 00:10:07,810
and that, of course, means handing
them over to our tame racing driver.

140
00:10:07,850 --> 00:10:12,130
Some say that he's spent
all week daydreaming

141
00:10:12,170 --> 00:10:16,210
about what Rubens Barrichello
would look like in a ham slicer.

142
00:10:18,650 --> 00:10:22,810
And that he's terrified
the BBC will reveal his salary,

143
00:10:22,850 --> 00:10:25,930
because he's paid
in strong pornography.

144
00:10:27,370 --> 00:10:30,330
All we know is,
he's called the Stig.

145
00:10:31,450 --> 00:10:32,490
And they're off,

146
00:10:32,530 --> 00:10:36,650
Stig fuelled by his fanatical hatred
of Rubens Barrichello.

147
00:10:36,690 --> 00:10:40,290
Powering down towards
the first corner, here they are

148
00:10:40,330 --> 00:10:43,410
and the Audi looks like it's
getting a bit out of shape already.

149
00:10:43,450 --> 00:10:45,010
Yes, it is.

150
00:10:45,050 --> 00:10:47,490
♪ Night fever, night fever... ♪

151
00:10:47,530 --> 00:10:48,650
Oh dear.

152
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:51,570
Stig seems to have developed
an obsession with the Bee Gees.

153
00:10:51,610 --> 00:10:54,930
Perhaps it's cos they share
a love of the white suit.

154
00:10:54,970 --> 00:10:58,050
Around Chicago,
both dipping a wheel off the track.

155
00:10:58,090 --> 00:11:00,370
Now hammerhead,
Stig stamping on the brakes,

156
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:02,770
imagining it's the head of
a Williams driver.

157
00:11:02,810 --> 00:11:05,250
Not Nico Hulkenberg, obviously.

158
00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:08,250
911s can understeer,
but no sign of it there at all.

159
00:11:08,290 --> 00:11:09,810
The Audi's in good shape, too.

160
00:11:09,850 --> 00:11:12,770
♪ Sweet city woman, she moves... ♪

161
00:11:12,810 --> 00:11:16,370
I should say the Stig also dislikes
convertible supercars

162
00:11:16,410 --> 00:11:20,410
because he always tries to
keep his helmet out of the flies.

163
00:11:20,450 --> 00:11:23,130
I've just realised that
if these two go faster

164
00:11:23,170 --> 00:11:27,810
than their hardtop equivalents, I'm
going to look like a massive idiot.

165
00:11:27,850 --> 00:11:30,370
They've just got Gambon to do now.

166
00:11:30,410 --> 00:11:33,330
Both round and there we are,
across the line.

167
00:11:35,650 --> 00:11:37,570
Come on, then.So...

168
00:11:37,610 --> 00:11:40,090
No pressure. Here we go. Hang on.
No pressure.

169
00:11:40,130 --> 00:11:43,090
The Porsche 911 Turbo convertible

170
00:11:43,130 --> 00:11:49,610
did it in 1:22.2 seconds,
which is there.

171
00:11:49,650 --> 00:11:53,050
Where's the hardtop? We never tested
the hard top. Which is lucky for you.

172
00:11:53,090 --> 00:11:56,290
We have done an Audi R8, though -
it's here.

173
00:11:56,330 --> 00:12:00,730
If this is faster than that you are going to
look, by your own admission, a massive idiot.

174
00:12:00,770 --> 00:12:01,970
Yes I am. Go on, then.

175
00:12:02,010 --> 00:12:04,570
1:21.6, the convertible.

176
00:12:04,610 --> 00:12:07,490
1:22.3!

177
00:12:07,530 --> 00:12:09,890
Oh-ho-ho! Look at that!

178
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:12,930
You got away with that
by the skin of your teeth.

179
00:12:12,970 --> 00:12:15,610
Look how similar they are.

180
00:12:16,650 --> 00:12:18,610
Now...

181
00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:23,530
Before we do the news, I'd just like
to conduct a quick loyalty test.

182
00:12:23,570 --> 00:12:27,810
As you know, last week there was some sort
of football match on at the same time as us,

183
00:12:27,850 --> 00:12:32,050
so I just wondered...
Who watched Top Gear last week?

184
00:12:32,090 --> 00:12:35,530
Hands up. I did. I did.
It was great. Jeremy, you?

185
00:12:35,570 --> 00:12:37,130
I couldn't watch it.

186
00:12:37,170 --> 00:12:41,850
I'll be honest, I found the bit with
the wedding pretty cringeworthy.

187
00:12:41,890 --> 00:12:46,690
No, I couldn't watch it because I was
in Johannesburg. Watching the final?

188
00:12:46,730 --> 00:12:51,370
Oh great! So the one week when we
wanted to call in a bit of loyalty

189
00:12:51,410 --> 00:12:56,850
and you decided to go to South Africa and watch a
Dutchman kick a Spaniard in the heart? Yes, I did.

190
00:12:56,890 --> 00:12:59,490
But I have brought
one of these back.

191
00:12:59,530 --> 00:13:01,130
Oh, God!

192
00:13:01,170 --> 00:13:04,850
Great. Two long, noisy things.

193
00:13:04,890 --> 00:13:06,370
One long, noisy thing.

194
00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:09,170
They don't work. They don't. Look.

195
00:13:12,490 --> 00:13:14,330
What was all the fuss about, then?

196
00:13:16,810 --> 00:13:18,410
They were terrifyingly loud.

197
00:13:18,450 --> 00:13:23,050
I might have drunk some tequila through it,
I admit, after the match but it doesn't work.

198
00:13:23,090 --> 00:13:26,410
You try. You won't...
You've got a degree.

199
00:13:26,450 --> 00:13:29,090
If you play a solo, I'll kick you.

200
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:40,690
That wouldn't disturb a game of
chess, let alone a football match.

201
00:13:43,010 --> 00:13:47,650
It doesn't work. Why is it orange,
anyway? I was supporting the Dutch.

202
00:13:47,690 --> 00:13:52,490
Why were you supporting the Dutch? Because the
Dutch watch Top Gear and the Spanish don't.

203
00:13:52,530 --> 00:13:56,730
And you don't watch Top Gear in your house
either, apparently. Can we do the news?

204
00:13:56,770 --> 00:14:01,450
A university in Virginia,
which is in America,

205
00:14:01,490 --> 00:14:04,810
has come up with a car
which can be driven by...

206
00:14:04,850 --> 00:14:09,330
Er... dead people? No. That's stupid.
Bats. That's really stupid.

207
00:14:09,370 --> 00:14:12,770
No. He's nearly right with bats -
it can be driven by blind people.

208
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,930
Really? I've a photograph of it here.

209
00:14:14,970 --> 00:14:17,930
The inventors say it's always been
wrongly assumed

210
00:14:17,970 --> 00:14:21,330
that blind people can't drive.

211
00:14:21,370 --> 00:14:22,370
Well, they can't.

212
00:14:22,410 --> 00:14:26,130
Realistically... Blind people can
drive, just mostly into things.

213
00:14:26,170 --> 00:14:28,050
This is where this comes in.

214
00:14:28,090 --> 00:14:32,410
It's got lasers and radar on it and
they feed news of impending disaster

215
00:14:32,450 --> 00:14:36,650
to the driver via compressed air
and a vibrating vest.

216
00:14:36,690 --> 00:14:40,450
Vest? Right. What happens if you
put your vest on backwards

217
00:14:40,490 --> 00:14:44,250
cos you can't see the label cos,
no offence, but you're blind.

218
00:14:44,290 --> 00:14:47,930
So, and then it will say left when
it means right and you'll crash.

219
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:52,330
I think it's important people do whatever they
can to help disabled people. That's important.

220
00:14:52,370 --> 00:14:55,890
But I just can't see that working.
I-I don't...

221
00:14:55,930 --> 00:14:58,890
I'm not sure.
It's far too complicated.

222
00:14:58,930 --> 00:15:01,850
Why don't they just take up my idea
and teach dogs to drive?

223
00:15:01,890 --> 00:15:05,090
James, dogs can't drive.

224
00:15:05,130 --> 00:15:09,890
Thank you, James. Animal Hospital
next week, presented by the idiot.

225
00:15:09,930 --> 00:15:14,130
This system on this buggy
was developed by students.

226
00:15:14,170 --> 00:15:19,930
Volvo, a byword for safety, has now developed
a similar system and they recently invited

227
00:15:19,970 --> 00:15:24,450
all the world's press over to Sweden to look
at a system which basically sees the obstacle.

228
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:28,370
If it thinks the driver's not concentrating,
has fallen asleep... Or is blind.

229
00:15:28,410 --> 00:15:33,330
Or s blind, it will brake for you. Here's their
test. This was just a couple of weeks ago.

230
00:15:44,050 --> 00:15:47,490
There was a report out the other
week about dangerous roads in Britain.

231
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:50,330
There were some
incredible statistics in it.

232
00:15:50,370 --> 00:15:55,170
Half of all the crashes in Britain
happen on 10% of the roads.

233
00:15:55,210 --> 00:15:58,290
One of the most dangerous roads
is this one.

234
00:15:58,330 --> 00:16:00,930
The A537 near Macclesfield.

235
00:16:00,970 --> 00:16:04,810
Most of the roads in the most
dangerous category are bikers' roads.

236
00:16:04,850 --> 00:16:08,970
Oh, here we go. Have a go at bikers time,
is it? It's been a while. Go on, kick us.

237
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:10,450
Let me give you this.

238
00:16:10,490 --> 00:16:15,010
One in four fatal or serious
accidents on an A road involves a bike.

239
00:16:15,050 --> 00:16:18,210
There are only eight bikes
on the road of Britain

240
00:16:18,250 --> 00:16:22,370
and they're involved in
a quarter of all crashes. Well...

241
00:16:22,410 --> 00:16:26,450
If in terms of miles covered, they're
more dangerous than puff adders.

242
00:16:26,490 --> 00:16:30,770
If you've got one of those Suzuki
black busas... Hayabusa, actually.

243
00:16:30,810 --> 00:16:34,170
Black busa sounds like a sex toy.
It probably is, yes.

244
00:16:34,210 --> 00:16:38,570
Hayabusa. So you drive that,
on average, about ten times a year.

245
00:16:38,610 --> 00:16:42,930
Statistically you will be killed
three times every time you go out.

246
00:16:42,970 --> 00:16:44,650
Let me give you another statistic.

247
00:16:44,690 --> 00:16:49,250
The average age at which
a biker is killed is 35. A-ha.

248
00:16:49,290 --> 00:16:51,850
What? I'm 47.

249
00:16:51,890 --> 00:16:55,650
That means you've been living
on borrowed time for 12 years.

250
00:16:55,690 --> 00:17:00,210
No, for 12 years he's been riding his
bike perfectly perpendicular to the road.

251
00:17:00,250 --> 00:17:01,370
He does, actually.

252
00:17:01,410 --> 00:17:04,250
Honestly. He left here
the other day,

253
00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:08,210
I've seen faster-moving
icebergs than you.

254
00:17:08,250 --> 00:17:13,170
He got behind a bus going up to the A3 from
here and he sat behind the bus the entire way.

255
00:17:13,210 --> 00:17:15,810
"I'm going along." You did.

256
00:17:15,850 --> 00:17:20,210
That's because the bus said Guildford on
the front and that's where I wanted to go.

257
00:17:24,770 --> 00:17:26,530
What's the point?

258
00:17:27,850 --> 00:17:32,290
Can I just say, on the roads round where I...
Anyone else live in the Cotswolds round here?

259
00:17:32,330 --> 00:17:35,930
You do? Have you seen those roads
where it says "bikers beware"?

260
00:17:35,970 --> 00:17:39,690
What does that mean? Does that mean
I'm supposed to beware of them?

261
00:17:39,730 --> 00:17:43,690
The point about the sign is, it's sign
shorthand, so you can read it at speed.

262
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:48,130
There's no point making a sign saying
"Motorcyclists, have you considered that there

263
00:17:48,170 --> 00:17:52,730
"may be a cantankerous, pig-headed middle-aged
man with pubes for hair driving around

264
00:17:52,770 --> 00:17:58,290
"on an overpowered Mercedes that should be a four-seater
but hasn't a back seat, yet costs twice as much."

265
00:17:58,330 --> 00:18:00,810
The sign would be enormous.

266
00:18:00,850 --> 00:18:03,490
Why doesn't it just say
"bikers, go home"?

267
00:18:03,530 --> 00:18:05,970
Anyone here a biker?
Yeah.

268
00:18:06,010 --> 00:18:10,250
Right, so eight. 42 set off.

269
00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:12,290
You want to talk dangerous?

270
00:18:12,330 --> 00:18:14,410
Cigarette, Jeremy? Why not.

271
00:18:14,450 --> 00:18:15,650
I'll do you a bet.

272
00:18:15,690 --> 00:18:18,410
After the show tonight -
you can all come and watch -

273
00:18:18,450 --> 00:18:21,450
you get on to your black busa...
Hayabusa.

274
00:18:21,490 --> 00:18:26,730
You ride round the track as fast as you can and I'll
chain-smoke, we'll see who dies first. 100 quid.

275
00:18:26,770 --> 00:18:28,530
You're on.

276
00:18:32,210 --> 00:18:34,090
A ridiculous bet.

277
00:18:37,050 --> 00:18:39,730
Anyway, that is the end of
the news. We must move on.

278
00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:42,130
As we know, caravans are a menace.

279
00:18:42,170 --> 00:18:44,970
We all know that. The reason
for this is very simple.

280
00:18:45,010 --> 00:18:48,930
Nobody who tows a caravan has had any
training, which means they're a bit frightened,

281
00:18:48,970 --> 00:18:54,850
which means they drive slowly and that means they
clog up the British countryside all summer long.

282
00:18:54,890 --> 00:18:58,610
Motorhomes would appear
to be a better option but here

283
00:18:58,650 --> 00:19:02,290
we have a problem because
there are only really two types.

284
00:19:02,330 --> 00:19:05,050
There is the American RV,

285
00:19:05,090 --> 00:19:09,370
which is extremely cool but far too
large, really, for European roads.

286
00:19:09,410 --> 00:19:13,650
Then there is the British
alternative, which is much smaller -

287
00:19:13,690 --> 00:19:17,730
it's much easier to drive on our
roads - but it really is rather tragic.

288
00:19:17,770 --> 00:19:21,450
Yeah, so with that in mind,
our producers came up with a plan.

289
00:19:21,490 --> 00:19:24,770
They said we each had to build
our own motorhome which would be

290
00:19:24,810 --> 00:19:29,010
small enough to work in Europe but
still cool. The rules were simple.

291
00:19:29,050 --> 00:19:33,970
Whatever we made had to have sleeping
accommodation, cooking facilities and a bog.

292
00:19:34,010 --> 00:19:39,010
Then they said once we'd finished them, we
had to meet up for a series of challenges.

293
00:19:42,290 --> 00:19:45,890
Our meeting point
was Fleet services on the M3.

294
00:19:47,930 --> 00:19:50,490
And Richard was the first to arrive.

295
00:19:53,290 --> 00:19:54,890
And there it is.

296
00:19:54,930 --> 00:19:58,490
I am genuinely,
genuinely proud of this.

297
00:19:58,530 --> 00:20:00,730
'But before I had a chance

298
00:20:00,770 --> 00:20:04,330
'to talk you through my Land Rover,
Jeremy arrived...'

299
00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:05,770
What?

300
00:20:06,970 --> 00:20:10,530
'..In what appeared to be a block of
flats on top of an old Citroen.'

301
00:20:16,250 --> 00:20:17,850
Look at it!

302
00:20:17,890 --> 00:20:18,890
Come on.

303
00:20:20,730 --> 00:20:24,450
It's enormous.
It's absolutely superb.

304
00:20:24,490 --> 00:20:26,450
Do you ever watch Grand Designs?
Yes.

305
00:20:26,490 --> 00:20:30,450
You do? Kevin McCloud programme? Every
single thing they build looks like this.

306
00:20:30,490 --> 00:20:33,530
The indented windows -
it's modern, it's crisp.

307
00:20:33,570 --> 00:20:35,370
No, he'd love it.

308
00:20:35,410 --> 00:20:38,530
He'd love to ask which cock
stuck that on top of a Citroen.

309
00:20:41,330 --> 00:20:45,850
'To try and bring Richard round,
I showed him my interior.'

310
00:20:48,530 --> 00:20:50,130
It's three-storey.

311
00:20:50,170 --> 00:20:52,890
Japanese contemplation area here.

312
00:20:52,930 --> 00:20:54,970
Very useful.

313
00:20:55,010 --> 00:21:00,210
Upstairs, two hammocks and full
cooking facilities, with a grill.

314
00:21:01,290 --> 00:21:05,730
'With the tour over, Kevin McClarkson
turned his attention to my Land Rover.'

315
00:21:05,770 --> 00:21:07,330
This is hideous.

316
00:21:07,370 --> 00:21:12,770
It's stone effect, which is
right with the Land Rover thing.

317
00:21:12,810 --> 00:21:14,250
It's hideous.

318
00:21:14,290 --> 00:21:18,330
It's perfect, you see.

319
00:21:18,370 --> 00:21:20,730
Please tell me this is not real.
Yes, it is.

320
00:21:20,770 --> 00:21:23,810
It is, entirely. If you need it,
it's there for you.

321
00:21:23,850 --> 00:21:27,610
You're joking.
If you need it, it's there.

322
00:21:27,650 --> 00:21:31,170
'All we had to do then
was wait for James.'

323
00:21:31,210 --> 00:21:32,810
I have to say,

324
00:21:32,850 --> 00:21:35,970
Land Rover famed
for its reliability.

325
00:21:36,010 --> 00:21:40,810
No, wait - not reliability. No. And
Citroen famed for... The same problem.

326
00:21:40,850 --> 00:21:43,770
The same problem.
If James turns up in an Alfa,

327
00:21:43,810 --> 00:21:47,010
we really have completed the set.
We'll have the lot.

328
00:21:47,050 --> 00:21:50,050
'But James didn't turn up in an Alfa

329
00:21:50,090 --> 00:21:53,490
'because he'd thought of something
even more unreliable.'

330
00:21:55,370 --> 00:21:57,530
It's an old Lotus with a roof box.

331
00:21:57,570 --> 00:22:00,330
I didn't expect that.

332
00:22:02,090 --> 00:22:04,250
You haven't got the idea of it
at all.

333
00:22:04,290 --> 00:22:05,410
No, no, no. This...

334
00:22:05,450 --> 00:22:09,330
I don't like to be immodest, but
this is actually a very good idea.

335
00:22:09,370 --> 00:22:12,770
It's inspired by the work
of the pioneer aviators.

336
00:22:12,810 --> 00:22:15,530
It's extremely light,
it's brilliant. Hammond?

337
00:22:17,530 --> 00:22:20,170
It's a roof box
with a sleeping bag in it. Yeah.

338
00:22:20,210 --> 00:22:22,330
Where's your bog? There.

339
00:22:22,370 --> 00:22:24,450
Oh! Where your head is.

340
00:22:24,490 --> 00:22:28,010
And how do you go on that?
The roof goes up. How does it go up?

341
00:22:28,050 --> 00:22:29,850
It's on telescopic... things.

342
00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:34,090
It's not a motorhome. It is. It's a
motor car with accommodation on it.

343
00:22:34,130 --> 00:22:35,810
What's this? Why's it got that?

344
00:22:35,850 --> 00:22:38,130
Stability. Rubbish.

345
00:22:38,170 --> 00:22:40,370
Storage.

346
00:22:40,410 --> 00:22:41,650
That's it? That's...

347
00:22:41,690 --> 00:22:45,090
What do you need? A tin opener
and a vegetable peeler.

348
00:22:45,130 --> 00:22:48,650
I like that. There's another one
on the other side with toiletries.

349
00:22:49,850 --> 00:22:52,810
'James was then keen
to inspect Hammond's.'

350
00:22:52,850 --> 00:22:56,930
This is a Land Rover with...
..the curtains on the outside.

351
00:22:56,970 --> 00:22:59,410
I don't understand this. Look.

352
00:22:59,450 --> 00:23:02,970
There will be opportunity, I'm sure,
for me to demonstrate how this works.

353
00:23:03,010 --> 00:23:08,450
I've taken inspiration from the American motorhomes
that slide out at the sides. Have you? Yeah.

354
00:23:08,490 --> 00:23:12,250
So this gets bigger. How does it
get bigger? A lot bigger, you'll see.

355
00:23:12,290 --> 00:23:17,370
'At this point, we were interrupted
by the arrival of a challenge.'

356
00:23:17,410 --> 00:23:21,050
Hello. Here we go. This is it.

357
00:23:21,090 --> 00:23:24,650
It says, "You are going on a camping
holiday." Yes, that's a win.

358
00:23:24,690 --> 00:23:27,010
Where? He loves camping. Oh, yes.

359
00:23:27,050 --> 00:23:28,770
In Cornwall. Yes!

360
00:23:28,810 --> 00:23:32,250
That's going to be great. It's not.
What's great about Cornwall?

361
00:23:32,290 --> 00:23:35,730
Cornwall's lovely.
You'll have sand in your food.

362
00:23:35,770 --> 00:23:38,410
You'll be freezing cold if
you go anywhere near the sea.

363
00:23:38,450 --> 00:23:42,010
The food will be stuff you recognise,
you'll be able to read the road signs.

364
00:23:42,050 --> 00:23:44,170
Why don't we go to France?

365
00:23:44,210 --> 00:23:46,730
Stop being a wimp.

366
00:23:46,770 --> 00:23:50,370
"You ARE going on a camping holiday
in Cornwall.

367
00:23:50,410 --> 00:23:53,930
"This is 215 miles
from where you are now."

368
00:23:53,970 --> 00:23:56,410
It's going to be great fun.
It's a win, win, win.

369
00:23:56,450 --> 00:23:59,610
I'm going camping - my favourite
activity - in my favourite weather.

370
00:24:01,610 --> 00:24:02,730
It's my best day ever.

371
00:24:03,810 --> 00:24:07,290
'So, with my heart singing,
it was time to show the world

372
00:24:07,330 --> 00:24:10,730
'that a new era in motorhoming
had begun.'

373
00:24:10,770 --> 00:24:11,890
We roll.

374
00:24:11,930 --> 00:24:14,050
There we go.

375
00:24:26,050 --> 00:24:29,090
So just to recap, viewers,
what I'm doing now

376
00:24:29,130 --> 00:24:31,850
is going for a nice drive
down to Cornwall in my Lotus.

377
00:24:31,890 --> 00:24:36,570
There is no impression whatsoever
of there being anything on the roof.

378
00:24:36,610 --> 00:24:40,450
That weighs less than me
and that's the point.

379
00:24:40,490 --> 00:24:44,890
Lightness. Preserving motoring
pleasure for the "campervanist".

380
00:24:45,690 --> 00:24:48,450
'Sadly, when the Land Rover
got up to speed,

381
00:24:48,490 --> 00:24:52,010
'I realised there was
a bit of a design flaw.'

382
00:24:52,050 --> 00:24:54,330
I modified this particular example

383
00:24:54,370 --> 00:24:57,850
and cut away the bodywork
to create this.

384
00:24:57,890 --> 00:25:02,130
I have left a slight gap
sort of all round here

385
00:25:02,170 --> 00:25:03,890
and there is quite a draught.

386
00:25:03,930 --> 00:25:06,050
It is quite chilly.

387
00:25:06,090 --> 00:25:09,890
'Mind you, compared to
Jeremy's design flaw...'

388
00:25:13,930 --> 00:25:17,370
Oh, my God! No! This is terrifying.

389
00:25:17,410 --> 00:25:21,770
It's a... I cant begin to
describe what this feels like.

390
00:25:21,810 --> 00:25:24,810
It's... OK! ..Wobbling quite badly.

391
00:25:24,850 --> 00:25:27,450
'I asked James to pull in behind

392
00:25:27,490 --> 00:25:29,970
'and assess the gravity
of the situation.

393
00:25:30,010 --> 00:25:32,010
'But he wasn't much help.'

394
00:25:37,050 --> 00:25:39,410
'And to be honest, nor was Hammond.'

395
00:25:45,690 --> 00:25:48,250
I've cocked up.
I know I've cocked up.

396
00:25:48,290 --> 00:25:49,890
Low bridge!

397
00:25:51,370 --> 00:25:55,090
Jeremy, did you make a note
of how tall it actually is?

398
00:25:55,130 --> 00:25:57,250
No, I didn't.

399
00:25:57,290 --> 00:26:00,690
Yes. He hasn't got a clue.

400
00:26:00,730 --> 00:26:02,650
Aaargh!

401
00:26:02,690 --> 00:26:07,490
'As Jeremy screamed
his way onto the A303...

402
00:26:07,530 --> 00:26:10,370
'all was well in the Lotus.'

403
00:26:10,410 --> 00:26:14,490
I know people have a bit of a downer on Lotus
and believe they're hideously unreliable

404
00:26:14,530 --> 00:26:17,970
but really, there's absolutely
nothing wrong with this car

405
00:26:18,010 --> 00:26:22,530
apart from a little bit of
electrical infidelity and the clock.

406
00:26:22,570 --> 00:26:25,010
I mean, it works but only
the minute hand works.

407
00:26:25,050 --> 00:26:29,170
I know it's quarter to, I just
don't know what it's quarter to to.

408
00:26:29,210 --> 00:26:33,570
OK. I'm going to operate
the heater controls.

409
00:26:33,610 --> 00:26:38,290
Land Rover heaters are not their best
feature, if I'm honest.

410
00:26:38,330 --> 00:26:40,090
That's on full.

411
00:26:41,170 --> 00:26:43,010
I can't feel it at all.

412
00:26:43,050 --> 00:26:47,770
'In the leaning tower of Citroen,
I was starting to relax a bit.'

413
00:26:49,330 --> 00:26:51,010
She was VERY pretty.

414
00:26:52,930 --> 00:26:57,090
She just liked it. She wouldn't like to
go in Hammond's, cos that's stupid.

415
00:26:59,530 --> 00:27:02,130
Aaaaargh!

416
00:27:04,930 --> 00:27:09,130
Jeremy, can I just say, this is
the biggest entertainment I've had

417
00:27:09,170 --> 00:27:12,890
on a road journey in my whole life.
It's absolutely hilarious.

418
00:27:14,290 --> 00:27:15,890
'It wasn't hilarious, though.

419
00:27:15,930 --> 00:27:20,450
'And since Hammond's Cottage was
now suffering from subsidence,

420
00:27:20,490 --> 00:27:22,650
'we pulled in for some bodging.'

421
00:27:22,690 --> 00:27:23,970
Hammond...

422
00:27:24,010 --> 00:27:26,370
Yeah? We've done 20 miles. I know.

423
00:27:26,410 --> 00:27:30,090
We'll have to stop nine times to rebuild
your shed before we get anywhere.

424
00:27:31,970 --> 00:27:35,770
'In a matter of moments, I'd
mended the Citroen's attachment.'

425
00:27:35,810 --> 00:27:39,650
The problem was, the air was hitting
this massive slab here,

426
00:27:39,690 --> 00:27:43,850
forcing the whole car back and
lifting the front wheels off the ground,

427
00:27:43,890 --> 00:27:45,730
so I've taken out this window.

428
00:27:45,770 --> 00:27:48,370
The air will now go in there

429
00:27:48,410 --> 00:27:52,610
and then I've removed the rear door,
so it can come out here.

430
00:27:54,290 --> 00:27:55,730
20,

431
00:27:55,770 --> 00:27:57,730
30.

432
00:27:57,770 --> 00:28:01,530
Oh, yeah.
That's just massively improved it.

433
00:28:06,050 --> 00:28:08,530
No, it's made no difference.

434
00:28:08,570 --> 00:28:10,410
Make it stop!

435
00:28:11,730 --> 00:28:14,530
Right, we've done about 30 miles.

436
00:28:14,570 --> 00:28:16,810
180-something to go.

437
00:28:20,250 --> 00:28:23,090
'Amazingly, the convoy did keep going

438
00:28:23,130 --> 00:28:26,170
'until eventually,
we pulled in for a fuel stop.'

439
00:28:26,210 --> 00:28:29,290
OK. Now this is a bit of a faff.

440
00:28:37,330 --> 00:28:39,330
Hammond? Yes?

441
00:28:39,370 --> 00:28:42,850
I may have made a mistake. Where?

442
00:28:42,890 --> 00:28:45,130
Well, I added this escape chute

443
00:28:45,170 --> 00:28:49,170
so that I can go from my aeroplane
fuselage into the back seat of the car,

444
00:28:49,210 --> 00:28:51,530
which is here. It's very good...

445
00:28:51,570 --> 00:28:53,810
But I've covered up the filler flap.

446
00:28:56,250 --> 00:28:59,490
Oh, my God! Jeremy, no, no, no! No.

447
00:28:59,530 --> 00:29:03,450
What? Seriously, you're going to
hit it. Yeah, that's quite close.

448
00:29:03,490 --> 00:29:06,330
Yeah, but, unlike your two cars...

449
00:29:06,370 --> 00:29:08,210
Ready?

450
00:29:12,050 --> 00:29:14,970
Ha-ha! Oh, yes.

451
00:29:15,010 --> 00:29:17,050
Yes!

452
00:29:17,090 --> 00:29:19,730
'Soon, refuelling was under way.'

453
00:29:23,130 --> 00:29:24,690
Here we go.

454
00:29:28,210 --> 00:29:31,810
Go away.

455
00:29:31,850 --> 00:29:36,410
That's an all-new... I've never seen a lockable
fuel filler cap where you need to saw it.

456
00:29:36,450 --> 00:29:37,890
It's very secure.

457
00:29:40,610 --> 00:29:43,370
'Refuelling over,
we headed on our way.

458
00:29:43,410 --> 00:29:46,610
'And several
perilous miles later...'

459
00:29:46,650 --> 00:29:49,970
Aaargh!

460
00:29:50,010 --> 00:29:52,130
'..We finally reached Cornwall.'

461
00:29:54,250 --> 00:29:55,810
That's where we're going.

462
00:29:55,850 --> 00:29:59,970
Ooh! I've got all the excitement
you get as a kid on a family holiday,

463
00:30:00,010 --> 00:30:02,090
winding round little roads.

464
00:30:02,130 --> 00:30:05,290
The odd glimpse of the sea.

465
00:30:05,330 --> 00:30:08,170
Been on the go now
pretty much seven hours.

466
00:30:08,210 --> 00:30:13,370
Could have flown to New York
in that time. But no.

467
00:30:13,410 --> 00:30:16,850
Here, drizzle, cold, frightened,

468
00:30:16,890 --> 00:30:20,530
and all I have to look forward to is
camping with a...

469
00:30:21,690 --> 00:30:23,570
A lunatic and a retard.

470
00:30:26,410 --> 00:30:27,970
'But then...'

471
00:30:28,010 --> 00:30:29,850
Oh, no!

472
00:30:29,890 --> 00:30:30,930
Got a warning light.

473
00:30:33,610 --> 00:30:36,890
Guys, I've got a warning light
on the dashboard. Says, "Stop."

474
00:30:38,450 --> 00:30:42,850
'As you'd expect, the happy campers
chose to ignore my distress signal.'

475
00:30:42,890 --> 00:30:47,090
Oh, yeah. That looks
a suitable holiday destination.

476
00:30:47,130 --> 00:30:49,450
I think so.

477
00:30:51,010 --> 00:30:54,090
Holy moly!

478
00:30:54,130 --> 00:30:58,810
What manner of terrible thing
has happened under my bonnet?

479
00:30:58,850 --> 00:31:02,930
It's actually had diarrhoea,
is what's happened here.

480
00:31:02,970 --> 00:31:04,930
'At the campsite,

481
00:31:04,970 --> 00:31:08,610
'I settled down to watch Hammond's
creation take shape.'

482
00:31:13,530 --> 00:31:15,530
Yep. Oh, yep.

483
00:31:24,890 --> 00:31:26,610
I'm brave.

484
00:31:26,650 --> 00:31:28,410
Do you want some help?

485
00:31:28,450 --> 00:31:31,570
No. Don't need it, mate.
A one-man job, this.

486
00:31:34,930 --> 00:31:38,690
'Having got the block of flats going
again, Jeremy eventually joined us.'

487
00:31:38,730 --> 00:31:41,130
This is gripping.

488
00:31:43,290 --> 00:31:46,090
What are you doing?
Finishing touches.

489
00:31:46,130 --> 00:31:51,490
'In Hammond's head,
his build was coming along nicely.

490
00:31:51,530 --> 00:31:52,930
'But it wasn't.

491
00:31:55,530 --> 00:31:58,290
And an hour later,
Jeremy and I were bored.'

492
00:31:58,330 --> 00:31:59,650
Is there a pub?

493
00:31:59,690 --> 00:32:01,410
'There was, so we went to it,

494
00:32:01,450 --> 00:32:04,210
'leaving Hammond
to carry on building.'

495
00:32:06,010 --> 00:32:08,130
I see this as a sort of club room.

496
00:32:08,170 --> 00:32:11,850
Darts... hanging out with your mates.

497
00:32:13,210 --> 00:32:15,450
Oh, yes.

498
00:32:15,490 --> 00:32:16,450
There it is.

499
00:32:16,490 --> 00:32:19,490
Shall we order Hammond something?

500
00:32:19,530 --> 00:32:23,210
I'm thinking of the beer-battered
fish, pea puree, tartare sauce.

501
00:32:23,250 --> 00:32:26,970
"I don't like beer, I don't like
batter, I don't like fish..."

502
00:32:27,010 --> 00:32:29,850
He doesn't eat fish.
I know, he doesn't eat fish.

503
00:32:29,890 --> 00:32:32,370
He might eat a free-range egg.

504
00:32:34,650 --> 00:32:37,490
'Back at base,
the wind was getting up.'

505
00:32:44,730 --> 00:32:46,650
That bit's slightly too short.

506
00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:55,850
'When we got back from the pub,
Hammond was still going.'

507
00:32:55,890 --> 00:32:57,130
Is this his motorhome?

508
00:32:57,170 --> 00:33:00,690
I don't believe it.
That is outrageous.

509
00:33:00,730 --> 00:33:02,210
Come in, dude, come in.

510
00:33:02,250 --> 00:33:04,370
This is the bed.

511
00:33:04,410 --> 00:33:06,770
Yeah, that can happen. Sorry, sorry.

512
00:33:06,810 --> 00:33:10,450
I'll give you a quick squiz round if
you like. This is the library here.

513
00:33:10,490 --> 00:33:13,450
Thank you. So you've got a library.

514
00:33:13,490 --> 00:33:15,450
This is the dining room. It goes on.

515
00:33:15,490 --> 00:33:17,010
Look at that!

516
00:33:17,050 --> 00:33:20,850
Bloody Nora.
In here, this..BLEEP Mind that.

517
00:33:20,890 --> 00:33:22,890
What's in here?

518
00:33:25,130 --> 00:33:26,730
That's a child's bedroom.

519
00:33:26,770 --> 00:33:29,050
What's this? This is lovely.

520
00:33:29,090 --> 00:33:32,170
He's got an ancestral portrait.

521
00:33:32,210 --> 00:33:34,850
Yes, Great Uncle...
Great Uncle Tall there.

522
00:33:34,890 --> 00:33:38,770
Just a minute - this is
Great Uncle Yourself.

523
00:33:41,970 --> 00:33:45,250
'With the very lengthy tour over,
it was time to get some sleep.'

524
00:33:50,490 --> 00:33:53,850
These are my night clothes
that I like to wear.

525
00:33:56,770 --> 00:33:58,210
There we go.

526
00:34:05,370 --> 00:34:07,370
'Still, could be worse.'

527
00:34:13,250 --> 00:34:14,450
Oh, God!

528
00:34:25,130 --> 00:34:26,610
Thank you so much.

529
00:34:26,650 --> 00:34:28,410
Thank you. Now...

530
00:34:29,610 --> 00:34:31,930
We'll pick that up later on,

531
00:34:31,970 --> 00:34:36,210
but now it's time to put a star
in our reasonably priced car.

532
00:34:36,250 --> 00:34:40,010
My guest tonight is actually
a caravan enthusiast.

533
00:34:40,050 --> 00:34:42,930
But unlike any other
caravan enthusiast,

534
00:34:42,970 --> 00:34:45,170
he also starred in The Godfather.

535
00:34:45,210 --> 00:34:47,970
And Ocean's Eleven,
Twelve and Thirteen

536
00:34:48,010 --> 00:34:49,930
and once, he had his head cut off.

537
00:34:49,970 --> 00:34:52,250
Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Garcia.

538
00:34:55,090 --> 00:34:57,570
How are you?

539
00:35:00,570 --> 00:35:02,810
Major Hollywood.

540
00:35:04,410 --> 00:35:06,530
Major.

541
00:35:06,570 --> 00:35:10,170
Thank you very much. I love England.
Well, that's... You see,

542
00:35:10,210 --> 00:35:12,530
you've won their hearts already.

543
00:35:12,570 --> 00:35:17,090
I'm always fascinated, when we do occasionally
have big Hollywood stars come on the show...

544
00:35:17,130 --> 00:35:20,170
Please, please. What it feels like,
cos I presume

545
00:35:20,210 --> 00:35:25,170
when you go on American chat shows it's all red
carpets and men with mascara and shiny teeth.

546
00:35:25,210 --> 00:35:27,850
Like you.No.

547
00:35:27,890 --> 00:35:30,930
And you come down here and it's
a kind of a windswept airfield

548
00:35:30,970 --> 00:35:33,730
and there's a man with a white
helmet on who won't speak to you.

549
00:35:33,770 --> 00:35:37,530
Then we put you into a car with a steering
wheel on what you perceive to be the wrong side

550
00:35:37,570 --> 00:35:40,290
and make you drive round a track.
Was it fun? You enjoy that?

551
00:35:40,330 --> 00:35:44,410
I enjoyed it very much. I drive stick
but obviously, with a different hand.

552
00:35:44,450 --> 00:35:48,970
I do a lot of things with both
hands, so I'm pretty used to it.

553
00:35:52,570 --> 00:35:54,330
She's gone bright red, look.

554
00:35:54,370 --> 00:35:56,370
So has he.

555
00:35:57,930 --> 00:36:01,010
We've actually got a clip which I
really want to start off with,

556
00:36:01,050 --> 00:36:05,570
of one of your first attempts in practice laps,
which nearly resulted in the death of the Stig.

557
00:36:05,610 --> 00:36:08,730
Would anybody here like to see that?

558
00:36:08,770 --> 00:36:12,090
Yes! Let's just have a
look at this before we get cracking.

559
00:36:12,130 --> 00:36:15,490
Here we come, up to Gambon Corner.

560
00:36:15,530 --> 00:36:18,250
A little wide...
Really very wide indeed.

561
00:36:18,290 --> 00:36:20,490
And there is...

562
00:36:20,530 --> 00:36:24,290
I never liked him from the start.
You didn't like him.

563
00:36:24,330 --> 00:36:26,970
He is actually deeply...

564
00:36:27,010 --> 00:36:30,770
It's very rude if someone talks to
you and never shows you his face.

565
00:36:30,810 --> 00:36:33,570
Now, obviously...

566
00:36:33,610 --> 00:36:37,010
the first thing I notice
is you arrived with... a face hair.

567
00:36:37,050 --> 00:36:39,730
That's what I'm going to say.

568
00:36:39,770 --> 00:36:41,930
It actually peels off.

569
00:36:41,970 --> 00:36:44,130
Does it really? No, it doesn't.

570
00:36:44,170 --> 00:36:47,610
Is this for a movie, I presume? Why
else would you wear a thing like this?

571
00:36:49,290 --> 00:36:53,610
We're sorting out the issue of
motorhomes tonight, what you'd call RVs.

572
00:36:53,650 --> 00:36:56,450
Right. I understand you are
a caravan enthusiast.

573
00:36:56,490 --> 00:36:57,970
Er...

574
00:36:58,010 --> 00:36:59,650
I have an airstream trailer.

575
00:36:59,690 --> 00:37:03,490
This is the chrome... The chrome,
silver bullet-looking thing.

576
00:37:03,530 --> 00:37:07,090
In this case it's a large one -
it's 34 feet, which is fantastic.

577
00:37:07,130 --> 00:37:11,810
The thing about an airstream is it looks very
good, but you still have to crap in a bucket.

578
00:37:11,850 --> 00:37:16,050
Yeah, like that piece ofBLEEP
you provided for me over here.

579
00:37:16,090 --> 00:37:19,570
There's hot water in there somewhere.
No, there isn't.

580
00:37:21,850 --> 00:37:25,090
You are actually - joking aside -
you are a family man.

581
00:37:25,130 --> 00:37:27,810
You run a very close family,
I would say.

582
00:37:27,850 --> 00:37:31,690
I've got four kids - three girls first
and a little boy. Started all over again.

583
00:37:31,730 --> 00:37:36,370
And your daughter Dominik... Yes.
She's in your new film, I gather.

584
00:37:36,410 --> 00:37:39,210
She's in City Island,
which opens on Friday the 23rd.

585
00:37:39,250 --> 00:37:43,850
You're allowed to do that.
And what's it about? It's a farce?

586
00:37:43,890 --> 00:37:49,050
It's a human comedy about this
dysfunctional Italian-American family,

587
00:37:49,090 --> 00:37:54,250
all the secrets they harbour from each other. It's
a wonderful story and we're very proud of the film.

588
00:37:54,290 --> 00:37:57,410
We've got a clip of it, which I'd
like to show. Let's have a look.

589
00:37:57,450 --> 00:38:01,050
I was thinking that, being a Saturday
night and all and Vivien's here,

590
00:38:01,090 --> 00:38:04,970
why don't we have a big
home-cooked dinner tonight?

591
00:38:05,010 --> 00:38:06,050
Big - nice and big.

592
00:38:06,090 --> 00:38:07,130
Yeah, sure.

593
00:38:07,170 --> 00:38:09,450
Like I do every Saturday night.

594
00:38:09,490 --> 00:38:11,290
Yeah, but like something special.

595
00:38:11,330 --> 00:38:14,490
Like for a real special occasion,
something special.

596
00:38:14,530 --> 00:38:16,170
Something nice.

597
00:38:16,210 --> 00:38:18,410
You want balloons or something?

598
00:38:18,450 --> 00:38:22,290
- No, I don't want balloons. I'm just saying.
- Something nice. When don't I make it nice?

599
00:38:22,330 --> 00:38:24,690
Make something nicer.
Make it yourself!

600
00:38:26,570 --> 00:38:28,370
OK, Vivien. I've got to ask you.

601
00:38:28,410 --> 00:38:30,210
Are your breasts continuing to grow?

602
00:38:30,250 --> 00:38:32,730
What? Vince. What?

603
00:38:32,770 --> 00:38:34,450
Does have a point there, sweetie.

604
00:38:34,490 --> 00:38:37,530
You do seem to be getting a little
large in that area. Oh, nice, Dad.

605
00:38:39,210 --> 00:38:41,530
That's your daughter.

606
00:38:41,570 --> 00:38:43,330
This is a girl who, in real life,

607
00:38:43,370 --> 00:38:46,650
you never let her have keys
to your house. Is that right?

608
00:38:46,690 --> 00:38:48,490
She reminded me of that recently.

609
00:38:48,530 --> 00:38:51,730
I never gave her keys to the house
because I always wanted her to...

610
00:38:51,770 --> 00:38:55,570
You know, when she knocked, I'd come
downstairs and open the door and...

611
00:38:55,610 --> 00:38:59,250
That's a good idea. I'm going to
confiscate my daughter's keys immediately.

612
00:38:59,290 --> 00:39:02,890
Except she always comes in at three,
which is really awkward.

613
00:39:02,930 --> 00:39:06,570
Obviously, you have been in very
many big films over the years.

614
00:39:06,610 --> 00:39:09,330
We've mentioned some -
The Untouchables, Black Rain.

615
00:39:09,370 --> 00:39:12,810
I think not a lot of people realise
this. Because of The Godfather,

616
00:39:12,850 --> 00:39:15,690
they assume you must be Italian,
but you were born in Cuba.

617
00:39:15,730 --> 00:39:19,890
I was born in Cuba and I left 2½ years
after the revolution. I was 5½ years old.

618
00:39:19,930 --> 00:39:23,610
How did you get out? How did it
work? We were some of the last...

619
00:39:23,650 --> 00:39:27,450
They call freedom flights before they
shut the country completely down,

620
00:39:27,490 --> 00:39:32,770
and you had to leave at that point in
an inner tube, or, interestingly enough,

621
00:39:32,810 --> 00:39:37,610
there have been cases where they've turned
old cars into actual floating amphibious...

622
00:39:37,650 --> 00:39:41,890
And they've taken off. I don't know where they
got the idea for that from. I can't imagine.

623
00:39:41,930 --> 00:39:45,050
I know you guys explored that,
but it's true.

624
00:39:45,090 --> 00:39:49,570
They've found big Buicks or flatbed trucks
floating across the Florida Straits with a...

625
00:39:49,610 --> 00:39:53,490
The ingenuity, though, in Cuba, to keep
those big old American cars going, is just...

626
00:39:53,530 --> 00:39:58,130
They make brake fluid out of
shampoo and alcohol.

627
00:39:58,170 --> 00:40:02,290
Yeah, and brake pads out of asbestos. I
saw a documentary - a car documentary -

628
00:40:02,330 --> 00:40:05,330
and there was a gentleman
mixing asbestos with his hands

629
00:40:05,370 --> 00:40:08,330
and mixing it to create
the pad for the brakes,

630
00:40:08,370 --> 00:40:10,650
and they said,
"You know this can kill you?"

631
00:40:10,690 --> 00:40:12,370
And he said, "Yes, I know.

632
00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:15,970
"But how do I provide for my family
if I don't do this?"

633
00:40:16,010 --> 00:40:20,530
What a life. Imagine what life would have
been like if your parents hadn't got you out.

634
00:40:20,570 --> 00:40:22,090
I was very lucky.

635
00:40:22,130 --> 00:40:26,170
Are you familiar with the story
of the Cuban Grand Prix in '59?

636
00:40:26,210 --> 00:40:29,410
Yes, it was a kidnapping
of Juan Manuel Fangio,

637
00:40:29,450 --> 00:40:34,530
the famous Argentinian race car driver, and
he was kidnapped by the Cuban revolutionaries.

638
00:40:34,570 --> 00:40:36,890
They released him after
the Grand Prix,

639
00:40:36,930 --> 00:40:41,850
and they said, "Why'd they kidnap
you?" He said, "For publicity."

640
00:40:41,890 --> 00:40:47,010
"Did they treat you badly?" He goes, "No, they were
perfect gentlemen." It was one of those amazing stories.

641
00:40:47,050 --> 00:40:51,770
Juan used to put... Before a race,
you've got to turn and analyse the turn,

642
00:40:51,810 --> 00:40:53,570
he'd put like a big silver dollar,

643
00:40:53,610 --> 00:40:56,850
a Cuban big peso or something
and then bet people

644
00:40:56,890 --> 00:40:59,810
that in that turn
he was going to run it over.

645
00:40:59,850 --> 00:41:02,130
He was a great proponent
of the four-wheel drift.

646
00:41:02,170 --> 00:41:04,890
So to hit a silver dollar
while doing a four-wheel drift...

647
00:41:04,930 --> 00:41:08,090
So do you drive some big old
American Chevy then,

648
00:41:08,130 --> 00:41:11,610
that you keep going with
shampoo and things in the States?

649
00:41:11,650 --> 00:41:17,370
No, I have a little Porsche that
I drive, a 4S, 2006 or something.

650
00:41:17,410 --> 00:41:20,850
So no Prius? No Prius. Good man.

651
00:41:20,890 --> 00:41:22,650
You're very welcome here.

652
00:41:29,330 --> 00:41:32,890
I'm all for clean diesel and hybrids
and all that, but not a Prius.

653
00:41:32,930 --> 00:41:34,610
Just not a Prius.

654
00:41:34,650 --> 00:41:39,090
Did you not once have a Peugeot? It
was a diesel wagon, 504 diesel wagon.

655
00:41:39,130 --> 00:41:42,890
It was a beautiful car. Couldn't make
its way over the hill in Hollywood,

656
00:41:42,930 --> 00:41:46,410
but it rode beautifully
on the highway in fifth gear.

657
00:41:46,450 --> 00:41:50,130
It would quiet down, and you'd put
like 20 dollars of diesel in it

658
00:41:50,170 --> 00:41:52,050
and it'd last for like 14 months.

659
00:41:52,090 --> 00:41:55,570
It had beautiful lines.
That car had beautiful lines.

660
00:41:55,610 --> 00:42:00,410
I miss the car. If anybody's watching the show
that bought my car, please, I want to buy it back.

661
00:42:00,450 --> 00:42:03,570
Yeah, OK. 504 diesel.
Anyone got one?

662
00:42:03,610 --> 00:42:05,650
No, didn't think so.

663
00:42:05,690 --> 00:42:09,770
Anyway, competition-wise, have you
ever done any track driving?

664
00:42:09,810 --> 00:42:11,610
No.Never?

665
00:42:11,650 --> 00:42:14,650
Never. And you've never driven
a car with the gear lever on...

666
00:42:14,690 --> 00:42:17,690
So this was all an entirely
new thing for you out there.

667
00:42:17,730 --> 00:42:19,730
Who would like to see Andy's lap?

668
00:42:19,770 --> 00:42:21,610
Yes!

669
00:42:21,650 --> 00:42:24,090
Let's have a look then.
Come on, let's put it up.

670
00:42:25,130 --> 00:42:28,890
There we go, in the brown
C-apostrophe-D.

671
00:42:28,930 --> 00:42:31,170
Are you pleased with that?
A good start.

672
00:42:31,210 --> 00:42:32,730
Yeah, you were.

673
00:42:32,770 --> 00:42:35,290
You actually look quite sinister.
Tell me about it.

674
00:42:35,330 --> 00:42:38,210
Let's have a look
through the first corner.

675
00:42:38,250 --> 00:42:41,690
That's taming its understeer nicely.
That's very good.

676
00:42:41,730 --> 00:42:45,250
Running a bit wide. Everybody
does, though. Forget to break.

677
00:42:45,290 --> 00:42:47,530
Not a good idea. Into Chicago.

678
00:42:47,570 --> 00:42:51,810
Again, it does run wide, that car.
Very safe, very brown.

679
00:42:51,850 --> 00:42:54,970
Slow. Hammerhead, a very tricky
corner here,

680
00:42:55,010 --> 00:42:57,290
though it's a quick left.

681
00:42:57,330 --> 00:43:00,450
Quick right. That's very
well done, though.

682
00:43:00,490 --> 00:43:02,810
That was excellent. Thank you, sir.

683
00:43:02,850 --> 00:43:05,410
A bit slow on the gear change.

684
00:43:05,450 --> 00:43:07,650
This is my lap, baby.

685
00:43:07,690 --> 00:43:11,330
Sounds... I didn't know that
Groucho Marx knew how to drive.

686
00:43:11,370 --> 00:43:14,970
It is... It is slightly Marx-esque.

687
00:43:15,010 --> 00:43:16,250
That was very quick.

688
00:43:16,290 --> 00:43:19,250
Now you've got the tricky part.

689
00:43:21,010 --> 00:43:25,490
This is where most of our celebrities
go off, but that was nicely handled.

690
00:43:25,530 --> 00:43:27,810
Do you get Gambon right this time?

691
00:43:27,850 --> 00:43:30,850
Beautifully cut, taking the actual
Gambon line, and there we are.

692
00:43:33,090 --> 00:43:35,010
Well done.

693
00:43:41,650 --> 00:43:45,930
Where do you think you've come on
our relatively new board?

694
00:43:45,970 --> 00:43:50,450
You don't know any of these names,
do you? I know Angelina Jolie.

695
00:43:50,490 --> 00:43:53,370
She didn't look
quite like I thought.

696
00:43:53,410 --> 00:43:56,170
She was kind of fat and a bit bald.

697
00:43:56,210 --> 00:43:59,850
Might have been a comedian
pretending to be Angelina. I see.

698
00:43:59,890 --> 00:44:05,370
Louie Spence, you don't know him, presumably. No,
but I certainly would like to be ahead of him.

699
00:44:05,410 --> 00:44:08,930
No, you don't want to be
in front of him. Oh, I see.

700
00:44:08,970 --> 00:44:11,410
So, Andy...

701
00:44:11,450 --> 00:44:13,050
Garcia.

702
00:44:13,090 --> 00:44:15,810
You did it in one minute...

703
00:44:17,010 --> 00:44:20,890
46.1,

704
00:44:20,930 --> 00:44:23,210
which means, I think,

705
00:44:23,250 --> 00:44:25,410
that you are...

706
00:44:27,450 --> 00:44:30,810
...the third fastest driver
we've ever had.

707
00:44:32,530 --> 00:44:33,970
That's not bad.

708
00:44:39,170 --> 00:44:43,730
I think, for a man who's never driven
on the correct side of a car before,

709
00:44:43,770 --> 00:44:45,770
that's very, very impressive.

710
00:44:45,810 --> 00:44:49,570
And it's just been a huge pleasure
and an honour to have you here.

711
00:44:49,610 --> 00:44:52,930
Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Garcia.

712
00:44:59,010 --> 00:45:01,210
Now...

713
00:45:01,250 --> 00:45:05,690
Earlier on, we were told
to invent motorhomes

714
00:45:05,730 --> 00:45:08,690
that were cool and would prove
so successful

715
00:45:08,730 --> 00:45:12,370
they would rid this country
of the caravan menace forever.

716
00:45:12,410 --> 00:45:16,410
The results so far have been,
well, mixed, but no matter.

717
00:45:16,450 --> 00:45:19,970
We rejoin the action after spending
the night trying to sleep through

718
00:45:20,010 --> 00:45:22,450
what felt like a force-nine gale.

719
00:45:26,490 --> 00:45:29,650
'The next morning, mercifully,
the wind had died down.

720
00:45:29,690 --> 00:45:32,530
'But it had taken its toll.

721
00:45:33,770 --> 00:45:35,330
Oh, dear.

722
00:45:37,490 --> 00:45:40,130
Oh, look. It's done the same
in the games room?

723
00:45:40,170 --> 00:45:44,170
Yeah, brought the roof down onto the pool
table. And the living room and the cinema.

724
00:45:44,210 --> 00:45:47,610
I promise you, Hammond, it was worse
for me. How can it be worse for you?

725
00:45:47,650 --> 00:45:49,450
The roof fell in on my library.

726
00:45:49,490 --> 00:45:52,450
I promise you it was worse for me.
What's worse than that?

727
00:45:54,290 --> 00:45:56,250
Oh, yeah. That's worse.

728
00:45:58,090 --> 00:46:00,090
Morning. Oh, God.

729
00:46:00,130 --> 00:46:02,330
Is that just the wind did that?

730
00:46:02,370 --> 00:46:05,770
Oh, yeah. No, a big giant came.

731
00:46:05,810 --> 00:46:10,250
'After a revolting breakfast
in Hammond's citadel,

732
00:46:10,290 --> 00:46:14,570
'Jeremy pulled out all the stops
to get his Citroen righted.'

733
00:46:14,610 --> 00:46:19,330
So we've had cold beans. Yep. I'm
sorry I didn't eat your raw bacon.

734
00:46:19,370 --> 00:46:20,970
At least I remembered them.

735
00:46:22,930 --> 00:46:26,610
That is my Japanese garden.
Look at it. Just leaking.

736
00:46:26,650 --> 00:46:28,130
Still, it's the right way up.

737
00:46:28,170 --> 00:46:30,170
Oh, hello. Oh, God.

738
00:46:32,650 --> 00:46:34,730
Thank you.

739
00:46:34,770 --> 00:46:38,610
"Since you are in Cornwall,
you must try surfing."

740
00:46:38,650 --> 00:46:41,770
I don't want to do surfing.
What if we just don't want to do it?

741
00:46:41,810 --> 00:46:44,650
What if we just say,
"No, we're not going to"?

742
00:46:44,690 --> 00:46:46,250
Apparently we ARE going to.

743
00:46:46,290 --> 00:46:47,490
There's more.

744
00:46:47,530 --> 00:46:51,690
"You must drive to a nearby beach
and get changed into wetsuits

745
00:46:51,730 --> 00:46:53,970
"inside your motorhomes."

746
00:46:57,050 --> 00:47:00,250
Sorry, I'm suddenly
feeling cheered up.

747
00:47:00,290 --> 00:47:03,370
Have you ever tried to put...
What, wetsuits or...? Well, suits.

748
00:47:03,410 --> 00:47:05,330
Have you ever tried to put them on?

749
00:47:05,370 --> 00:47:08,050
You need... You see this field?

750
00:47:08,090 --> 00:47:11,370
You need an area this big,
which you have, but it's here,

751
00:47:11,410 --> 00:47:14,650
so you've got to parcel all that up
to drive to the...

752
00:47:14,690 --> 00:47:16,650
And you!

753
00:47:18,450 --> 00:47:21,250
'But Clarkson was laughing too soon,

754
00:47:22,610 --> 00:47:25,810
'because I had planned
for such an eventuality.'

755
00:47:25,850 --> 00:47:29,330
Simply retract the roof. Easy.

756
00:47:30,970 --> 00:47:32,730
It's like a spaceship, you see.

757
00:47:32,770 --> 00:47:36,290
You end up with this escape pod
that can just break free.

758
00:47:37,970 --> 00:47:40,770
'Meanwhile, James and I
had arrived at the beach.'

759
00:47:40,810 --> 00:47:43,850
Look at this. Surftown UK.

760
00:47:43,890 --> 00:47:46,530
They're going to look at my
hat and they're going to say,

761
00:47:46,570 --> 00:47:51,210
"Yes, yes, that man
knows what he's doing."

762
00:47:51,250 --> 00:47:55,810
'And with no sign of Hammond, we
decided to have a surfing lesson.'

763
00:47:55,850 --> 00:47:57,850
Hang on. So it's a...

764
00:47:59,410 --> 00:48:01,250
Yeah, yeah, you've got it.

765
00:48:01,290 --> 00:48:04,530
Is that roughly right? It wasn't,
though, was it? Not really, no.

766
00:48:04,570 --> 00:48:08,090
'Eventually, Hammond's escape pod
was free...

767
00:48:09,770 --> 00:48:11,850
'..and he was able to join us

768
00:48:11,890 --> 00:48:16,090
'for the "getting into a wetsuit
in a motorhome" test.'

769
00:48:17,130 --> 00:48:21,050
Yes! I'll get changed
in my contemplation zone.

770
00:48:21,090 --> 00:48:22,690
Lovely job.

771
00:48:22,730 --> 00:48:26,530
'Unsurprisingly,
it was much harder in the Lotus.'

772
00:48:29,450 --> 00:48:34,450
'But surprisingly, even harder
in Hammond's land cottage.'

773
00:48:36,050 --> 00:48:39,410
I, er, have had to leave some of
the panels at the campsite.

774
00:48:39,450 --> 00:48:41,450
Well, all of them, pretty much.

775
00:48:41,490 --> 00:48:43,650
And that, er...

776
00:48:43,690 --> 00:48:47,650
That has sort of
compromised privacy, rather.

777
00:48:47,690 --> 00:48:50,730
They're not going to go, are they?

778
00:48:50,770 --> 00:48:53,650
If I maybe...

779
00:48:56,250 --> 00:48:58,490
No. Er...

780
00:49:01,490 --> 00:49:03,490
I've had a very clever idea,
I think.

781
00:49:03,530 --> 00:49:07,770
I do of course have my escape chute, which
leads directly into the back seat of the car.

782
00:49:07,810 --> 00:49:10,970
It's a way of moving between the car
and the bedding area

783
00:49:11,010 --> 00:49:14,290
without having to go outside
if it's raining, for example.

784
00:49:14,330 --> 00:49:17,530
So when I've got the bottom half on,
I'm going to exit

785
00:49:17,570 --> 00:49:22,010
and enter the car and then slip into
the top bit down there where I can sit up.

786
00:49:22,050 --> 00:49:27,810
'Hammond, meanwhile, had abandoned
the Land Rover and stolen a child's tent.'

787
00:49:30,210 --> 00:49:31,290
OK.

788
00:49:32,610 --> 00:49:34,090
OK.

789
00:49:34,130 --> 00:49:38,170
I'm not sure that the escape chute
actually works. Hang on a minute.

790
00:49:43,810 --> 00:49:46,050
I've got my shoulders stuck.

791
00:49:46,090 --> 00:49:50,890
'But just several hours later,
my colleagues were ready.'

792
00:49:50,930 --> 00:49:52,890
It's cold.

793
00:49:52,930 --> 00:49:54,890
It's really cold.

794
00:49:54,930 --> 00:49:56,610
It's not going to get any warmer.

795
00:49:57,970 --> 00:50:00,250
Well, give it a couple of months,
it might.

796
00:50:00,290 --> 00:50:02,930
Come on. All right, what do we do?

797
00:50:05,450 --> 00:50:07,450
'Without wishing to boast...'

798
00:50:07,490 --> 00:50:08,930
This is quite nice.

799
00:50:08,970 --> 00:50:10,850
'..I mastered surfing very quickly.'

800
00:50:10,890 --> 00:50:11,970
Lovely.

801
00:50:12,010 --> 00:50:15,130
That's the easiest thing
I've ever done.

802
00:50:15,170 --> 00:50:19,250
'But for some reason, the other
two kept trying to stand up.'

803
00:50:24,530 --> 00:50:27,010
Toes on tail, hands on the rail...

804
00:50:28,730 --> 00:50:30,570
I am surfing!

805
00:50:33,770 --> 00:50:36,730
'They were so engrossed
in this idiocy

806
00:50:36,770 --> 00:50:39,970
'they failed to spot
an incoming problem.'

807
00:50:40,010 --> 00:50:41,850
James, we've got to get out.

808
00:50:41,890 --> 00:50:44,650
No! I almost got up.
We've nearly got it.

809
00:50:44,690 --> 00:50:46,850
What? The cars.

810
00:50:46,890 --> 00:50:48,370
Oh, BLEEP, he's right.

811
00:50:50,290 --> 00:50:54,250
'James and Richard rushed
to their cars and legged it,

812
00:50:54,290 --> 00:50:57,010
'whereas I decided to get changed
where I was.'

813
00:50:57,050 --> 00:50:58,570
Ah! Jesus!

814
00:50:58,610 --> 00:50:59,810
'Which went well.'

815
00:51:01,490 --> 00:51:03,290
No!

816
00:51:04,610 --> 00:51:06,530
Yes! Come on, Hasselhoff.

817
00:51:08,290 --> 00:51:10,090
That wasn't tense.

818
00:51:11,130 --> 00:51:15,090
'Our next challenge was to cook
a three-course meal in our motorhomes

819
00:51:15,130 --> 00:51:19,770
'using whatever ingredients we could
find at a nearby petrol station.'

820
00:51:22,010 --> 00:51:25,170
Sit rep. Don't like
driving my Citroen,

821
00:51:25,210 --> 00:51:27,050
don't like sleeping in my Citroen,

822
00:51:27,090 --> 00:51:30,250
almost certainly won't like
cooking in it, either.

823
00:51:30,290 --> 00:51:35,050
'Plus, getting to the petrol station
meant taking some back roads.'

824
00:51:38,090 --> 00:51:40,170
What the hell's that?

825
00:51:40,210 --> 00:51:43,410
Well, it was a tree, but now...
A tree?

826
00:51:43,450 --> 00:51:46,250
That was a big one, Jeremy. Oh, no!

827
00:51:48,170 --> 00:51:50,690
'Having pruned most of Cornwall,

828
00:51:50,730 --> 00:51:53,410
'we finally arrived.'

829
00:51:54,810 --> 00:51:57,210
Oh, my God. No, no, no.

830
00:51:59,650 --> 00:52:02,690
Now I have crashed into
a petrol station.

831
00:52:05,730 --> 00:52:08,930
Have you not been able to get
changed? Of course I haven't.

832
00:52:08,970 --> 00:52:11,610
You know how difficult it is
to get out of one of these.

833
00:52:11,650 --> 00:52:14,090
I had to get out of it in a coffin.

834
00:52:16,770 --> 00:52:18,970
'In the shop, James said he'd
do the starter,

835
00:52:19,010 --> 00:52:22,330
'Richard the pudding
and me the main course.

836
00:52:22,370 --> 00:52:24,650
'But this was the sticks.'

837
00:52:24,690 --> 00:52:27,450
So, do you have any steak?

838
00:52:27,490 --> 00:52:28,810
Nope.

839
00:52:28,850 --> 00:52:30,290
Pork? Nope.

840
00:52:30,330 --> 00:52:32,970
Er, lamb? Nope.

841
00:52:34,210 --> 00:52:36,250
Bacon?

842
00:52:36,290 --> 00:52:37,810
No, I'm afraid, sorry.

843
00:52:37,850 --> 00:52:39,890
The washers aren't part of the meal.

844
00:52:39,930 --> 00:52:42,690
I've just got those
because I like them.

845
00:52:42,730 --> 00:52:44,330
Do you have any butter?

846
00:52:45,450 --> 00:52:46,450
No.

847
00:52:47,850 --> 00:52:49,530
Lard? Struggling.

848
00:52:49,570 --> 00:52:52,370
Margarine.

849
00:52:52,410 --> 00:52:56,610
'Despite the lack of choice,
we soon had enough for our dinner.

850
00:52:59,090 --> 00:53:01,330
'So, back at the campsite,
we parked up...

851
00:53:04,810 --> 00:53:06,290
'..and got cooking.'

852
00:53:06,330 --> 00:53:10,010
Right, what I'm going to cook
tonight is Spam slices,

853
00:53:10,050 --> 00:53:14,410
coated with a crushed, cheesy,
popular snack item.

854
00:53:14,450 --> 00:53:18,770
So first, using the fork,
we crush up the cheesy comestibles.

855
00:53:18,810 --> 00:53:22,250
Here is what I propose for dessert.

856
00:53:22,290 --> 00:53:25,890
I'm going to make Eton mess
crossed with trifle.

857
00:53:25,930 --> 00:53:28,210
Couldn't find any sponge fingers,

858
00:53:28,250 --> 00:53:31,930
but then I had an absolutely
brilliant idea. I'm going to use bread.

859
00:53:31,970 --> 00:53:34,730
Lining the bowl
with the sponge fingers.

860
00:53:34,770 --> 00:53:39,730
Now we put our ice cream
and yogurt in, like that.

861
00:53:39,770 --> 00:53:45,050
Right, the water is boiling so it's
time to start preparing the vegetables.

862
00:53:45,090 --> 00:53:46,450
Here they are.

863
00:53:46,490 --> 00:53:47,970
So, thin slices.

864
00:53:48,010 --> 00:53:52,610
About an eighth of an inch,
or about 2.5 mm in Roman Catholic.

865
00:53:52,650 --> 00:53:58,130
But flavour the flowers with
just a couple of pickled onions.

866
00:53:58,170 --> 00:54:01,330
Chocolate, not a problem.
Any amount of that can go in.

867
00:54:06,610 --> 00:54:08,130
I need a handle for that.

868
00:54:08,170 --> 00:54:09,690
Now...

869
00:54:10,850 --> 00:54:15,290
The oil. This does worry me,
I must admit, using Castrol GTX.

870
00:54:15,330 --> 00:54:17,970
But I don't think I have any choice.

871
00:54:18,010 --> 00:54:20,250
In the meantime, whilst that
just heats up,

872
00:54:20,290 --> 00:54:24,730
we have to consider our "garni",
which is an orange jus...

873
00:54:25,810 --> 00:54:29,130
...taken out of the inside of one
of these chocolate confections,

874
00:54:29,170 --> 00:54:32,170
which is named after a type of
orange where it isn't a brand name,

875
00:54:32,210 --> 00:54:35,770
but becomes a brand name when
applied to one of these, unfortunately.

876
00:54:35,810 --> 00:54:39,210
So I can't tell you what they are,
but you know they're Jaffa Cakes.

877
00:54:39,250 --> 00:54:42,810
Now I'm monitoring everything
at this point very carefully,

878
00:54:42,850 --> 00:54:48,010
cos the last time I tried to cook on
a campsite, the caravan caught fire.

879
00:54:48,050 --> 00:54:51,970
You may remember. And the one
next to it. So I can't be...

880
00:54:53,570 --> 00:54:55,210
Holy cow. What's that?

881
00:54:55,250 --> 00:54:58,370
Er... Er...

882
00:54:58,410 --> 00:55:02,890
Get an extinguisher, man! I haven't got one!
Who's got an extinguisher? I've got one there.

883
00:55:02,930 --> 00:55:05,330
Why's there a safety thing on it?

884
00:55:05,370 --> 00:55:08,730
Who's put a health and safety
thing on it?

885
00:55:11,290 --> 00:55:13,770
I've used it all now.

886
00:55:13,810 --> 00:55:15,410
James, are you not going to get out?

887
00:55:15,450 --> 00:55:17,170
I can't. It takes half an hour.

888
00:55:17,210 --> 00:55:19,410
'Hammond then found another
extinguisher

889
00:55:19,450 --> 00:55:22,610
'but unfortunately,
there was a height issue.'

890
00:55:24,210 --> 00:55:25,250
That's not working.

891
00:55:25,290 --> 00:55:28,410
Left a bit. Right.
No, the other way, the other way!

892
00:55:28,450 --> 00:55:29,650
The other way!

893
00:55:29,690 --> 00:55:33,290
This is all working terribly well. I think
mine is going to be ready quite soon,

894
00:55:33,330 --> 00:55:37,970
but we won't have anywhere to eat it because I
believe the plan was to eat in Hammond's dining room,

895
00:55:38,010 --> 00:55:39,810
which has just burned down.

896
00:55:40,890 --> 00:55:42,410
Ooh, not good.

897
00:55:42,450 --> 00:55:45,290
He's actually set fire to metal.

898
00:55:45,330 --> 00:55:46,810
How has he done that?

899
00:55:49,930 --> 00:55:52,570
'We decided to abandon the cooking

900
00:55:52,610 --> 00:55:56,250
'and cracked open
a liquid supper instead.'

901
00:55:57,810 --> 00:56:01,330
That's the first time we've seen
the sun, gentlemen, since we...

902
00:56:01,370 --> 00:56:05,210
Well, that makes it worthwhile,
doesn't it? That's not bad. Listen.

903
00:56:06,970 --> 00:56:09,530
All you can hear is just
the creaking of the embers

904
00:56:09,570 --> 00:56:12,490
in his burning motorhome.
Yeah, just my fire.

905
00:56:24,050 --> 00:56:26,890
Just get out! And you! Out! Out!

906
00:56:31,010 --> 00:56:32,690
Oh, God, look at it.

907
00:56:35,090 --> 00:56:37,490
'And on that note...'

908
00:56:59,410 --> 00:57:03,290
'After James had failed to wipe
his bottom with any dignity,

909
00:57:03,370 --> 00:57:06,050
'we decided to go to
a nearby beauty spot.'

910
00:57:06,090 --> 00:57:09,170
James May. Jeremy Clarkson.

911
00:57:09,210 --> 00:57:13,050
What's it like, driving around
under a bucket of your own faeces?

912
00:57:13,090 --> 00:57:16,610
Are you going to fall over
today for our entertainment?

913
00:57:21,290 --> 00:57:25,010
Aaaaargh!

914
00:57:25,050 --> 00:57:28,090
'As we drove along,
we began to realise

915
00:57:28,130 --> 00:57:31,930
'that our motorhoming holiday
hadn't been a great success.'

916
00:57:32,930 --> 00:57:34,090
I'm exhausted.

917
00:57:34,130 --> 00:57:36,250
I'm also pretty cold now.

918
00:57:36,290 --> 00:57:38,130
I don't think I'm going to make it.

919
00:57:38,170 --> 00:57:41,210
Just leave me behind,
I'll only slow you up.

920
00:57:41,250 --> 00:57:43,610
I don't know why I said that.
They will.

921
00:57:46,770 --> 00:57:48,970
Covered in egg and
crisps and Spam juice.

922
00:57:49,010 --> 00:57:51,690
I haven't shaved, I haven't had
a proper wash for three days.

923
00:57:51,730 --> 00:57:56,090
The thing about this exercise is
that it helps you to appreciate

924
00:57:56,130 --> 00:57:58,330
the basic amenities of home life.

925
00:57:58,370 --> 00:58:01,570
You know, a tap, a chair.

926
00:58:02,810 --> 00:58:05,250
'What's more, the speed of Jeremy's
motorhome

927
00:58:05,290 --> 00:58:09,410
'meant that everyone else's holiday
was ruined, too.'

928
00:58:09,450 --> 00:58:12,410
That's a big queue. I'm embarrassed.

929
00:58:12,450 --> 00:58:17,250
That's a really long queue. I don't think
we've sped up caravanning, have we?

930
00:58:23,170 --> 00:58:26,170
'Eventually, we made it
to the beauty spot.'

931
00:58:28,850 --> 00:58:32,090
Oh, yeah. Now THAT is a view.
This is more like it, yeah.

932
00:58:33,730 --> 00:58:37,050
I think it's fabulous.
Yeah, this is all right.

933
00:58:37,090 --> 00:58:40,330
Right now I'm quite enjoying motor
caravanning. Yeah, I'm enjoying it.

934
00:58:40,370 --> 00:58:44,050
It's the first time since we set off
that motorhoming is making sense.

935
00:58:44,090 --> 00:58:46,250
Guys. What?

936
00:58:46,290 --> 00:58:48,090
There's a pub down there.

937
00:58:48,130 --> 00:58:53,330
Yes, very nice. I'm going to the pub. I'm going
for an ice cream. Will you bring one back?

938
00:58:53,370 --> 00:58:57,650
I've been thinking about ice cream for
three days. I'll bring you back an ice cream

939
00:58:57,690 --> 00:59:00,690
and then everyone will go, "They
really do get on, those three."

940
00:59:00,730 --> 00:59:02,770
Yeah, OK.

941
00:59:02,810 --> 00:59:08,010
'While Jeremy was gone,
I'm afraid we hatched a plan.'

942
00:59:08,050 --> 00:59:11,050
See where it drops away
at the edge of the cliff?

943
00:59:11,090 --> 00:59:15,490
If we pushed his car there and just
park it on the edge,

944
00:59:15,530 --> 00:59:18,090
he won't be able to go forwards,
obviously.

945
00:59:18,130 --> 00:59:22,010
No, I know what you're thinking.
Never back it up. That's brilliant.

946
00:59:22,050 --> 00:59:26,250
Go on, stick it down there. He'll see it from
the bottom and he'll see the tower on the edge.

947
00:59:26,290 --> 00:59:27,410
He's taken the...

948
00:59:27,450 --> 00:59:29,170
Well, push it, push it, push it.

949
00:59:33,450 --> 00:59:34,650
That's good.

950
00:59:36,250 --> 00:59:38,890
Mmm. That's very good.

951
00:59:38,930 --> 00:59:40,690
Handbrake's off.

952
00:59:40,730 --> 00:59:43,570
Just get it right to the edge.
Yeah, yeah.

953
00:59:43,610 --> 00:59:45,170
I reckon if we...

954
00:59:45,210 --> 00:59:47,370
Hang on. Oh, BLEEP.

955
00:59:47,410 --> 00:59:50,530
In weather like this,
among scenery like that,

956
00:59:50,570 --> 00:59:53,530
holidaying in England -

957
00:59:53,570 --> 00:59:56,250
even in a motorhome -
does make sense.

958
00:59:58,810 --> 01:00:00,890
Is that all right?

959
01:00:00,930 --> 01:00:02,370
What?

960
01:00:08,570 --> 01:00:09,970
What's that?

961
01:00:18,850 --> 01:00:20,450
You ruined it.

962
01:00:22,930 --> 01:00:26,650
You ruined my Citroen grand design
and you ruined it on purpose.

963
01:00:26,690 --> 01:00:28,050
It was his idea.

964
01:00:28,090 --> 01:00:31,130
It wasn't!
We saw in the film, you did it.

965
01:00:31,170 --> 01:00:34,850
You pushed it off the cliff cos you
knew it was best and you're a sore loser.

966
01:00:34,890 --> 01:00:36,730
Jeremy, it wasn't the best, mate.

967
01:00:36,770 --> 01:00:39,010
It had a top speed of two
and it fell over.

968
01:00:39,050 --> 01:00:41,090
You couldn't even wipe your bottom
in yours.

969
01:00:41,130 --> 01:00:45,410
Yeah, exactly. You could wipe thousands of
bottoms in mine, which is why it was the best.

970
01:00:45,450 --> 01:00:50,170
Wiping your bottom is not the only criterion
for judging a successful motorhome.

971
01:00:50,210 --> 01:00:52,610
Whatever. Point is mine was
brilliant, and you know it.

972
01:00:52,650 --> 01:00:55,050
It wasn't.
It wasn't, actually.Exactly.

973
01:00:55,090 --> 01:00:59,770
In fact, we really haven't reinvented the motorhome
at all, have we? No, I'm afraid we haven't.

974
01:00:59,810 --> 01:01:04,330
And once again, and as usual, we've
completely wasted your evening. Sorry.Yes.

975
01:01:04,370 --> 01:01:06,850
And as a result of
our wretched failure,

976
01:01:06,890 --> 01:01:11,930
Britain will continue to be strangled by
the glass-fibre menace of the caravan

977
01:01:11,970 --> 01:01:16,570
until we all suffocate and
die pointless and agonising deaths.

978
01:01:16,610 --> 01:01:18,850
Nice to have a plan -
that's the main thing.

979
01:01:18,890 --> 01:01:22,410
On that bombshell, it's time to end.
Thank you for watching. Goodnight.

980
01:01:42,170 --> 01:01:45,170
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